Looks can be deceiving

Below is a picture of me, cute hat, smiling, happy... believable, right?  I took this photo fifteen minutes after crying for almost an hour.  I'm not trying to garner sympathy, no, I want to prove a point.  What we present, our outward self... does not always reflect what is happening on the inside.

Last week someone told me after a disagreement, I appeared to be fine.  Going on with life as usual.  It isn't true. What others say leaves a lasting impact.  We choose though how we treat those around us and whether we let the bad overflow onto the rest of our day, week, month... and onto whom we let it hit.

Even if you ask someone how he or she is doing, you may not know the battle that's warring inside.  Don't assume.

Am I my own worst enemy?

This evening I've been reflecting on my life and where I've been the last few years.

Stronghold, according to Merriam-Webster it is 
1             :a fortified place

2a: a place of security or survivalone of the last strongholds of the ancient Gaelic language— George Holmesb: a place dominated by a particular group or marked by a particular characteristic

When I think of stronghold, I think of something that cannot be breached.  

I personally have a stronghold in my life that has been a barrier to my living.  Living a life that is full.  I've said "no" to God about this stronghold for so long, I've simply come to accept its presence in my life without argument, we'll call it "X".  It is a matter-of-fact that X remains and it appears nothing will move X.  My shear stubbornness has cost me.

I know X is standing in my way of a better relationship with God.  I know that X is standing in the way of my happiness.  Yet, I leave X where it is.

A few nights ago I was recounting in my thoughts this one piece, my stronghold, and how I know it's a problem.  Years ago I let X go.  Unfortunately my stronghold haunts me still because I took it back.

If you knew X was the only thing standing between you and a good relationship with God, would you do your best to remove it?

I leave X where it is because I consider my keeping it as more important than God.  And that my friends is shear stupidity, arrogance, and shamefulness.

"What if..." my thoughts began this evening, "What if removing X would mean I could have A?"  Is that enough?  Is it enough to motivate me?  I'm going to tell you that it stung a little.  Not as much as it should have, but it did.  Why?  Well, because A should not hold move value in my life than God does.  The point was well received.  I hear you Lord, I hear you.

A few weeks ago I told a friend that she didn't have anything to lose by letting God have her struggle.

Me either sister, me either.

Where does that leave me?  Trying to extricate myself for the mess that has been a battle entrenched in my life in various ways for 20+ years.

Dear ones, don't be me.  Give it up, whatever it is.  That piece that you hold so tightly to that you might suffocate in the process.

How deep the Father's love for us by Selah

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon a cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Songwriters: Stuart Townend

Borrowed thoughts and then some

Introspection is a good practice.  Here are some thoughts lately about intentionality:

This on Pintrest and decided it was a good list, it is a part of Zen monk habits:

1. Do one thing at a time. 
2. Do it slowly and deliberately.
3. Do it completely. 
4. Do less.
5. Put space between things.
6. Develop rituals.
7. Designate time for certain things. 
8. Devote time to sitting. 
9. Smile and serve others.
10. Make cleaning and cooking become meditation. 
11. Think about what is necessary. 
12. Live simply.

Walk with purpose in this life.  Notice what exists around you.  Mindfulness is a recurring theme around me lately.  In conversations with others, in what I've been reading, and in what I've been observing.  Shouldn't we be more mindful of what we do?  Shouldn't we practice meditation?

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14

"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." Philipians 4:8

Pay attention, for we are to make an impact, but how can we if we don't know our surroundings.  How can we make a difference if we aren't truthful, and honorable  We should strive for what is right, pure, and lovely.  Aiming to be of good reputation.  Desiring to make the work we do our best, the most excellent we have to offer.

do you have to HAVE it?

Materialism is that desire to have, have, have, all of the "things" you see.

If we look around our homes and we have more than we need, we should watch out for that feeling to acquire more.

I just went to an independent consultant's, home-based business. In my heart as I listened to this sweet, tenderhearted woman talk, I wrestled with what was happening in front of me.

She was pushing a beautiful set of products that I didn't need and trying to cultivate a want for them so that we who were there would buy them.

There is a fine line Americans walk because we live in an instant gratification world that pushes ownership of objects.

It isn't always bad to have something... and yet, do we weigh the costs?

What about those in this world who could barely afford to look at these pretty things?  And if they were in a store that had them, they'd have scrutinizing eyes following them wherever they walked because they were "out of place"?
 
What I'm saying is, when you look at something non-essential to your life, something that would be considered superfluous... pause a minute and determine: is this item really that important?  

Ask yourself: "When was the last time I helped someone who was in need?"

Making sure we donate the good organizations that support those in need.  Watching out for that homeless person who may or may not have caused his/her circumstances (who are we to judge that?), maybe buying him or her a full meal, not just a hamburger from a local fast food joint.  Or give of your time by volunteering to help children who are far less fortunate than you are.

Spend your "hard-earned" money wherever you will, but dear ones... do you have to HAVE that piece of non-essential anything?

Nerve-racking…

That has been my life for a while.  Sometimes I bury it and ignore the problem, but it follows me as I haven’t dealt with it yet.

This morning I started simply.  I slept a half hour longer than normal.  I made breakfast (which was lovely, thanks to Marianne for the fresh tomatoes).  I gathered my needed items and left the house.

I started alone with my thoughts.  Then turned to prayer focused on God.  Took a deep breath. 

Called my sister.  Alaina was in a park with my sweet and beautiful nieces and nephews.  She was watching her children play.  She was watching the other children play and she described two situations-1 a child falling into a puddle bigger than he was. 2 a baby wanting to meet her newest baby.  Sweet pictures.  Simple.  My imagination ran away, for my babies were having fun with their Mom, my beautiful, gifted, compassionate, amazing sister.

Then I landed in a coffee shop where I hoped to set up shop and disentangle portions of my life that have been a frustration.  There were more people here than I anticipated.

Three people studiously working with paper and pencils, along with computers.  Two women discussing who knows what over their individual laptops, two men in what sounded like a casual conversation about the direction they hoped their church would take.  Two acquaintances who hugged and chatted a minute. 

Then they faded away and I focused.

Now there are almost a whole new set of people surrounding me.  Closest to me are five friends who have who knows what in common, maybe high school, they are quite young and all beautiful.  Definitely reuniting so maybe before returning to college? 

Isn’t it amazing that these faces we see all the time, are so different?  And they have such distinctive personalities! 

I marvel. 

What kind of God makes so much diversity?

 

A pretty awesome one, if you ask me.

Before Dark

From the porch at dusk I watched

a kingfisher wild in flight

he could only have made for joy.

He came down the river, splashing

against the water's dimming face

like a skipped rock, passing

on down out of sight.  And still

I could hear the splashes

farther and farther away

as it grew dark.  He came back

the same way, dusky as his shadow,

sudden beyond the willows.

The splashes went on out of hearing

It was dark then.  Somewhere

the night had accommodated him

--at the place he was headed for

or where, led by his delight,

he came.

~Wendell Berry

Imitation of Christ -1

Thomas A'Kempis

"Let therefore our chief endeavor be, to meditate upon the life of Jesus Christ."1

"But whosoever would fully and feelingly understand the words of Christ, must endeavor to conform his life wholly to the life of Christ."  John 8:12

"Whose knoweth himself well, is lowly in his own sight and delighteth not in the praises of men."2

"If thou thinkest that thou understandest and knowest much; know also that there be many things more which thou knowest not.

Do not seem to be otherwise, but rather acknowledge thine own ignorance."3

I found this book in a used book store in an airport.  I like it, it's been an interesting and heavy read.  Lots to ponder and push and prod me into really examining who I am and whose I am.

Mostly, I just wanted to share from the first few pages, those items that stood out to me in a big way.  All too often Christians claim something we aren't working towards... to be Christ-like.  The one who despite all the unkind ways in which people treated him, never once lashed out at people with hate-filled words.

We each have so much to learn.

____________________________________________________

1-The Imitation of Christ by Thomas a Kempis; edited by Paul M. Bechtel.  Moody Press, 1984, p. 23.

2-Ibid., p. 25.
3-Ibid., p. 26.

Honduras Reflection

Four local and three foreign mission trips and each time I walk away with something different.

What touched my heart most was a quick visit on Sunday to see Carlos and his family.  This beautiful family that gave so much to us last year.

It was a surprise visit you see, there were no calls first, just a pop in and see what has been happening over the last year.  And after everyone had hugged and said "hello" and we had taken pictures.  We shared a few whispers and determined that Carlos was turning 12 that next week.  We were going to stand around him sing "happy birthday"--that beautiful child who worked so hard on his home last year... heard our singing and started crying.

My heart broke.  

Our country has so many advantages, and my life was full of good opportunities.  I had gifts for every birthday--we didn't have much growing up, but I did have a roof... and food... and gifts on my birthday and at Christmas.  My sweet nieces and nephews get gifts from all of us each year.

I was overwhelmed with a sense of purity.  That precious child was so grateful for our singing in a language he didn't know.  My heart broke, but it was full.

"My commandment is this – to love one another just as I have loved you." John 15:12

What does it mean...

What does it mean to have "inexpressible joy"?  Better yet, what is it?

When I chose that title it wasn't because I'm a happy-go-lucky person... it's actually based on scripture.

Quick story: Sometimes those well-planned public speaking events don't go smoothly.  I had everything set... two balloons, a lit candle and an audience.

The balloons had smiling face.  Each balloon represented a Christian.

When held over the candle, the first balloon popped.

Heat added to a Christian's life can sometimes steal our joy--sometimes those unhappy, or hurtful events in our lives can take away the joy that we have as Christians.  It shouldn't if we are firmly grounded in God.

The second balloon didn't pop (when I practiced anyhow), why not?  Because it had 1/4 cup of water in it to represent the presence of God and the more time we spend in his presence the harder it is to let heat that enters take away that joy. 

Joy is used roughly 170 times in the Old and New Testaments

"I have told you these things so that my joy may be in you, and your joy may be complete." 
John 15:11

---

A joy that is about being God's own.  Not about material possessions, or money, or societal status--rather, knowing whose you are.

"You have not seen him, but you love him. You do not see him now but you believe in him, and so you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy," I Peter 1:8

Indescribable, glorious, inexpressible, complete joy found in the presence of a set apart Creator who loves us, loves me, despite our foibles and faults.

Strive for inexpressible joy in your daily life! (Even when there's heat, especially when there's heat.)


(credit for the object lesson goes to the internet and resourceful people everywhere... unfortunately I can't find where I'd seen it first!--Google it sometime.)

Encircling prayer

Circle me, Lord. 

Keep comfort near 

and discouragement afar. 

Keep peace within 

and turmoil out.

Thankful

Two years ago I cried out to God in absolute desperation.  I was almost 200 pounds, and miserable about it.  I knew that if God weren’t in the middle of it, I would never lose weight permanently.  My constant cycle of mindless eating, or comfort-eating would persist and I would be back where I started or heavier.

This decision came right before Christmas, what good timing, being mindful that overeating is so easy when with family enjoying time together, it looked like maybe that was the perfect opportunity.

My first challenge was no soda for two months.  By changing my diet, I lost 28 pounds, and then plateaued.  I had to fight my way thru the next 10 and by that I mean, pray, pray, and pray some more.

One purifying diet (*gag* Fiber is so icky!) and then another one half a year later (*GAG* FIBER is STILL ICKY!) and I realized refined flour and sugar were not my friends.

Adding exercise to an already hectic schedule is so difficult, but working out with Mom for almost 20 days and then when not with her working out at home, there was more progress, another five pounds.

Irony: sitting in Chic-fil-a (not ALWAYS eating well, obviously), someone looks straight at me and says, “Do you want to start working out at the gym?”  He didn’t know what I had already been doing.  For like ten seconds I considered it and then chickened out because… well, that was just a bit too intimidating for me.

That was two months ago, I changed my mind… and that’s another six pounds. (for those that don’t wish to add it, that’s 49lbs).

I don’t know why God cares, but He does and I am thankful.